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Outdoor launch event concept. If it helps, think of you leaving your husband as removing one of his excuses to keep from getting clean. Obviously staying with him isn't healthy for either of you. And when you decide to leave remember that until he decides to take responsibility for getting clean he will always have an excuse - don't let him guilt you into staying. I have a relative in a similar situation.
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He got clean but his girlfriend didn't. It lead to a lot of drama and a restraining order. If someone isn't willing to get sober you can't make them. My bf would bring me the drug on my clean anniversaries and say I should "celebrate". I thought I could deal with it, but eventually a really stressful situation came up and I started using again.
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Was this letter to Dan printed a while ago in a previous SL? It sounds familiar. Good on you LW, congratulations on your sobriety. He is not being fair, you have shown remorse and are working hard to turn your life around and he uses it all as an reason not to put the hard yards in to get off the gear himself. Whatever the gear is. Watch an Australian movie called Candy. With the sweet and late Health Ledger and Abbie Cornish. She who caused a little havoc on hitting the US.
This movie was made long before, and both show the ravages of addiction and recovery. I saw my dad work for years to give up smoking. It isn't illegal, but man is it hard to give up. That was with a supportive wife and a strong personal desire to move on by my dad. I don't think you can hang out with your trigger, aka your husband, and stay sober forever. It sucks that he doesn't want to get clean, but with that he is especially likely to eventually drag you back in.
Maybe, when you separate, he will find the means to get clean.
Maybe he won't. But if you stay with him, odds are you will be using again, cheating again because I bet that is linked to the using now and eventually things will end up with either both of you just stealing from each other to get a fix, someone OD'ing, or best case, the divorce that could happen right now but with a lot more animosity and much less level heads.
But if you walk right now, you 1 have a better chance of not just staying sober but of actually changing your life, 2 can get out of this spiral while you have a level head even if you do go back to using and let's be honest, that's going to be a real possibility for the rest of your life and 3 are young enough to start over comparatively easly. And it's not just you. Your -professional- marriage counselor thinks this isn't worth her or his time if he isn't getting help on his own. That's surely not a good sign for the longevity of your relationship as it now stands.
It's also a reason to stop beating yourself up about the past and do what is right for you and maybe for your partner, aka separate now and take the opportunity to enter a new phase of your life, find some new friends don't go back to whoever you cheated with and be closer to the person you clearly want to be, without carrying temptation and blame around with you forever.
And PS: if this guy is using something you did, but aren't doing as an excuse to keep doing something that hurts you, be it physical harm or emotional hardship or temptation and it is not going to end, then your partner is abusive and you need to DTMF. Reading between the lines: "Sex was a point of contention. I was unfaithful three times" and fast forward to him not having sex with her now, it sounds to me like the relationship had become sexless or near it when she cheated. LWs in this situation are often given passes by Dan and by many of us commenters.
Hubby is punishing her for cheating, at least six months after the fact, although she has made amends and shown she is trustworthy by not cheating while he denies her sex. Either he forgives her or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, there's no point in staying together. Separation seems a good next step, so that he can see whether he misses her enough to do his part in fixing their relationship or not.
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Her husband has to be willing to deal with his addiction independently of everything--of the tap dripping; of the lack of support, or the too-ready and preempting support, of his mother; of the cat's illness; of his persnickety boss--and certainly of his wife's cheating--before the marriage becomes a goer. A big issue to me is their lack of sex since CPOS's cheating was discovered.
Her cheating changed something for him, perhaps--violated trust; made him reassess what they had together. He could also be withholding sex to punish her.
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In my relationships, as they've turned sour, sex has been one of the last things to go. Clearly, she didn't want to break with her husband. Maybe her cheating was A way to try to get through to him? To say their life had to change? Yes--do penance for it, apologise, explain, make amends; but if you can come to see it in this light, don't beat yourself up too much about it I also want to express my support and good wishes for the LW in her recovery and journey back to sobriety.
KittenWhiskers makes a good point. It would be more loving to help him formulate a recovery plan and be more distantly there if he needs help or guidance enforcing it alongside a more conventional sponsor or buddy. In such a case you could wait forever for him to move forward. I hear that "separation And one way or another to be happy you need to stop living like this forever.
You've 'grown apart', you're not compatible now. It's not a matter of judgement about them. It's the simple fact that it will undermine your recovery, period. If the LW is serious about her recovery and her husband is not then there is no real chance for them other than her falling off the wagon, which is not the outcome that would be best for anyone. I strongly second what 24 said! I'm actually pretty shocked and disappointed that Dan didn't recommend the LW distance herself from her husband simply for the sake of her sobriety. The relationship, sex, etc are all secondary to her sobriety which could very quickly end her life if she relapses.
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Don't believe me? Listen to the podcast "Dopey" - two dudes talking about their sobriety If he's still using, she needs to put as much physical and emotional distance between them as possible until he's also sober. Once they're both sober, they can get into therapy and begin to deal with the other issues in their relationship. But no sobriety, no relationship.