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These days, it seems, everybody wants to know how smart their meat is. We know that cows enjoy solving problems and have been known to jump into the air excitedly when they finally crack a tough one. Chickens are exceptionally good at delaying gratification, understand small numbers and basic physics, and can adroitly manage the thermostat of their coop.

Sheep can remember and recognize as many as 50 human faces without making a mistake. Pigs excel at videogames played with special pig joysticks. And even opossums—yes, some people eat them—turn out to be excellent maze runners. Those things that do very little and look dead most of the time! Whether you go on eating them, with that knowledge, is up to you. You probably will. I do—proof that intelligence may be massively overrated.


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He was on Jeopardy! He lost. Does spelling matter anymore? The culture still views it as a sign of intelligence, diligence, and sophistication. Bad, lackadaisical spellers are not looked at kindly. But, until that day, allowing your kids to blow off spelling may empower them to go against a societal norm without considering the day-to-day discomfort and judgment it could bring: the consequences for them but also for you, their parent.

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It was hard to watch. What kind of job do you have? What kind of boss do you have? How tolerant? How demanding? See the difference? You need a break. Your soul needs a break. I have no idea what the consequences might be—how could I? I read that mice injected with blood from younger mice improve on cognitive tests.


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  • Should I bank my blood? So yeah, I went and read about this too.

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    I read that for years scientists have been taking an old mouse and a young mouse, putting them next to each other, and stitching their circulatory systems together, just like jump-starting a car. Then they let the blood of one mouse circulate through the other—a process called parabiosis. And introducing the young mouse's blood—or even just introducing one particular protein found in the blood, called GDF11—to an old mouse does all sorts of wonderful stuff: It allows the old mouse to run longer on a treadmill.

    It changes the old mouse's brain in ways that suggests its memory has been improved. I read that it even rejuvenates a crusty old-mouse heart. The heart isn't crusty anymore. And this was the eye-opener for me: Even as scientists are always cautioning the media that it's way to soon to speculate about their studies' implications, one of these scientists—the one named Wagers, aptly—was already placing her bet. Good for her, I say. I'm all for capitalism!

    But I'm also all for hematological self-determination. Or, say, blood freedom. I'd hate, one day, to have to pay some multinational corporation for a synthetic knockoff of my own younger self's blood—the very stuff that was pumping through my body for decades without costing me a damn cent. What a dystopia that would be! There'd be kids on the corner with clipboards, asking for donations so Americans for Hematological Self-Determination could sue these corporations. So my answer is yes, absolutely.


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    Stockpile your blood now, as much as can be squirreled away at the proper temperature. Just in case. Think of it as a tiny hedge against the Wagers of the future. I get a lot of swag from startups—messenger bags, fleeces, hats, T-shirts—and my girlfriend makes fun of me for wearing it. Which is the douchiest to wear?

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    Like, is a fleece cooler than a hat? Look, I don't care what you wear, but I do think that a startup fleece is definitely not cooler than a startup hat, because a startup fleece puts the name and logo of the startup in closer proximity to your heart than a startup hat would. My instinct is, keep this stuff away from your heart.

    Far away. The closer to your heart, the douchier. I know how it feels. Streaks are magic; streaks are wild. A rhythmic bond—a fellowship, a closeness—taking hold. And, better still, that little flaming number keeps ticking up, higher and higher. Then suddenly, all that excitement stops. You send a snap, and no snap comes back. Like I said: Oof. I empathize. Folch is an aerialist in San Francisco who spent much of her adult life working as a trapeze artist. She started when she was just a teenager.

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    Has Folch ever been dropped? Yes, she has. No, she did not. Dress rehearsal, the day before a big aerial dance performance. Folch has been hoisted 80 feet off the ground in a meticulously engineered elastic harness. She is falling, most likely to her death. She hears her gasping colleagues calling out as she speeds down at them.

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    What happens next is unexpected, and yet it happens so naturally. She hits the ground. She bounces. Carabiners fail.

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    People fail. We will let each other down. But we all deserve some slack, some good faith—especially from our best friends. The secret to a thriving trapeze partnership, Folch says, is not necessarily forgiveness but refusing to think of the inevitable disappointments of life as requiring forgiveness in the first place. There is pain. There is guilt. And so my answer is: Move on. Learn to love more. Learn from Folch, who knew, deep down, how to handle being dropped and how to bounce back too.

    I pictured this Nest Cam looming over you—pictured its one dark eye, unblinking—and I immediately thought of that nasty old Cyclops who terrorizes Odysseus and his men in The Odyssey. What was his name? What was the story, exactly? I figured I better reread that bit.